Understanding Your Sexless Marriage
Are you in a sexless marriage? Have you tried everything you can think of to fix the problem? According to Dr. Lee H. Baucom, author of The Connection Starved Marriage, your real problem isn’t sex – it’s connection.
Think about it for a moment – when you feel connected, you usually want to have sex. After you have sex, you usually feel more connected. You don’t have sex because you are angry, bitter, don’t have the time or are overstressed from the day. Because you’re not having sex, you become disconnected. Because you feel disconnected, you are less likely to want sex when you have the time. Because you’re not having sex and are more disconnected, you argue more, worsening the state of your connection, lessening your desire for sex.
So, a sexless marriage really does seem like a vicious cycle doesn’t it? But how do you make it stop? How can you rebuild that connection after it is already broken? Most importantly, how do you start experiencing more ‘bumps in the night?’
There are a lot of different tips out there for increasing the amount of sex you have in your marriage and for restoring your connection. Some are free. Others are for purchase. Many of them are wonderful ideas. We recommend that you give The Connection Starved Marriage a look. You can also try out a few of the tips that we came up with here at Mr. Marriage Saver:
Call Off Work and Spend the Day in Bed
Don’t risk your job for this one, obviously, but if you have some sick time or even some vacation time that you can schedule off on a day your partner is off, use it now. Take the day and spend it in bed, preferably only sleeping when you’re completely worn out. It may be difficult at first to feel that connection but by the end of the day, you might be surprised at how close you feel to each other.
Schedule Regular Nights Together
Make time for your relationship! Make it a priority. Schedule a date night, and keep it, every week. Set aside time each day that is just for the two of you – no phones, no computers, you may even want to skip the television. Find other things to do together that involve communication. Can’t think of something to talk about? Try playing a crossword or board game together. Cook something together. These are activities that can spark conversation and connection.
Make Pillow Talk ‘Okay’
Many couples, particularly the women, have a hard time communicating how something feels during sex. So, to avoid embarrassment or harming their lover’s feelings, they are left unsatisfied. Some women may even pretend, just to avoid the conflict or pain their comments could cause.
Open your relationship up to pillow talk. Make it okay to say, “That’s not working for me.” Talk about what does work. This might be really difficult to implement during sex so you might try talking about it before or after sex for a while. Once you become more comfortable with making sex a tool for communication, you can start to talk about it while engaged in intercourse. Just remember, your partner’s feelings are involved here so, while you want to communicate, you don’t want to put down or attack. Be mindful of the other person’s heart and ego.
These tips should give you something to start on in your sexless marriage but, don’t forget, there are many other wonderful resources that can help you restore connection and improve your marital sex life.
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