Friends of the Opposite Sex
It’s likely that both you and your partner have friendships with the opposite sex. It may be someone you have known since childhood or a person you met at work. It may be someone who is involved in a similar activity in which you are teammates, such as a sport. It could be someone who shares a particular hobby or interest. You may have develop a friendship with the parent of your child’s friend. Whatever is the case, friendships can exist between men and women. Life is full of opportunities and circumstances that bring you together with people whom you have developed a connection to.
Friendships enrich our lives and bring us a view of life that makes the world interesting and challenging. Yet Friendships can be a source of tension and suspicion when you are in a marriage and monogamous relationship with someone. You or your partner may become unsettled with resentment if your friendship takes away too much time. This is especially true if it involves an activity that makes your partner feel uncomfortable.
There are several questions that you may have to ask to ascertain what’s going on and to be able to maintain your relationship with the most important person in your life. First you must determine whether a negative reaction to an outside friendship is justifiable concern or simply petty jealousy. Does the activity that your partner is engaged in with someone of the opposite sex make you feel uncomfortable? Is it taking up too much of his or her time, which you feels should be reserved for you?
Another way to evaluate the appropriateness of a friendship when you are married is to make sure it stays within a “proper context” for friendship. Is the friendship confined to the activity or interest specified by the participants? Is it work related, a sport event, or a book club activity? Do you or your partner only get together with this friend to talk about parenting tips or for activities involving the children?
You nor your partner may have a serious issue with jealousy or be racked with suspicion if the activity is confined to what you both agreed to as appropriate friendship behavior. But a “red flag” should go up, if your wife and her friend Steve are on each other speed dial and often get together alone. The same is true for your husband, if he and Sue spent their off hours huddling over coffee in the corner of some steamy cafe discussing the latest topic in “Parent” magazine, that definitely signals an alarm.
None of these actions in themselves indicate your partner has been unfaithful and betrayed your trust. But if these things are going on, they indicate that the friendship dimension has changed beyond the scope that defined the original relationship. At this point, you or your parner may want to evaluate what’s most important to you to maintain your marriage. There is a way you can continue with your friendship. But the “friendship” must get back in the proper lane it belongs to. It has to stay in the context that you both agree to.
Ignoring the signs that the friendship has went to a different level, will harm the primary relationship, your marriage. It may even end it.
